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I was speaking with a friend who had recently received feedback that they didn't always leave room for pushback. They'd taken it as a compliment. That's just how I communicate, they said. I'm direct. I don't waste people's time.
It took them a while to hear what was actually being said.
I wrote about the invisible gun a while back: the weight your words carry when you're senior. Your curiosity sounds like a command. The fix is awareness. Label your intent. Ask before you suggest. Create space for pushback.
But there's a trap. What happens when you know about the gun and decide not to holster it because "that's just who you are"?
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When someone tells you that you landed heavy, it's tempting to deflect. "I'm just being honest." "I don't do corporate speak." "That's not me. I'd be pretending if I softened it." We frame calibration as inauthenticity. As if the only choice is unfiltered you or fake you.
I've seen leaders who confuse bluntness with clarity. The person who says "I tell it like it is" and wonders why people stop bringing them the hard stuff. When you get feedback that you dominated the room, or that people walked away feeling shut down, "that's just how I am" isn't a defense. It's a refusal to look at the impact.
MIT Sloan ran a piece on this a few months ago: Are you an authentic leader or an authentic jerk? The "authentic jerk" is the leader who mistakes unfiltered self-expression for genuine authenticity. The distinction they draw: authentic leadership is built on character, not style. You can be clear about your values and still choose how you show up.
What to actually do
The invisible gun moves from my earlier post aren't inauthentic. Label your intent. Ask before you suggest. Normalize pushback. Those are considerate. You're not pretending. You're choosing when and how to deploy the real you.
Here's what I try to do now:
Ask before you give feedback. "Do you want pushback or support right now?" Sounds simple. I forget it all the time. But it gives the other person a say in how the conversation goes.
When you get feedback about how you showed up, ask. "What would help? When did it land wrong?" Don't defend. Just listen. The person saying it might be trying to tell you something, and brushing it off as "that's just how I communicate" shuts the door.
Check in after hard conversations. If you just gave someone difficult feedback or pushed back on an idea, a quick "How did that land?" goes a long way. You might find out you were heavier than you meant to be.
Pick one person who will tell you the truth. Someone who's seen you in rooms where you thought you were fine and can say when you weren't. We're bad at seeing ourselves. We need witnesses.
You can't put the invisible gun down. You can't stop being senior or direct or someone whose words carry weight. What you can do is stop using authenticity as a reason not to calibrate.
The gun is there. Remember it's there. Keep your finger off the trigger. And when someone tells you it went off, listen instead of saying "that's just who I am."