Some weeks you’ll feel unstoppable. Others, you’ll feel like you did nothing—just meetings, context-swapping, and tough conversations.
As we said on the podcast:
“Joining a new company, you are totally out of your element because you don't know. You have no historical context. You have no institutional knowledge here. And your job is literally to learn as much as you can. And that might mean that you're not actually doing a lot of work right now.”
Here are the hardest parts of the EM job, and what I do about them.
The productivity void (especially early on)
You will feel unproductive while you’re actually doing high-leverage work.
“You'll spend a lot more time in meetings, and that is productive, but often doesn't lead to you feeling like you've had a direct impact on something.”
What helps
Write a weekly managerial impact log (decisions unblocked, conflicts resolved, risks surfaced).
Track invisible work (RFC reviews, hiring moves, stakeholder resets) alongside delivery.
Define “productive” with your team: tickets and PRs and design reviews, estimates, handoffs.
Giving hard feedback (when they disagree)
“Having to address low performance with folks who don't think they're underperforming.”
What helps
Keep a very deep paper trail: behaviors, impact, dates, expectations.
Anchor to team standards and outcomes, never vibes.
Preview the path: early coaching → written plan → PIP. No surprises.
Conflict, boundaries, and being liked (or not)
“People are not always going to like you.”
You’ll separate friendly from friends, pick your battles, and repair when you miss.
“Not everything needs to be addressed. Some things can stay annoyances.”
What helps
Decide your escalation bar (e.g., twice = pattern to address).
Use “cooling-off” rules for heated moments; repair fast and plainly.
Model receiving feedback without defensiveness; you’ll get less of it as a manager.
Mental health, life storms, and performance
You’re not a clinician (even I'm a trained therapist, but I'm not their therapist), but you are accountable for outcomes.
What helps
Flex where you can (hours, standup time, scope), document agreements, and set review dates.
Loop in HR early for leave, accommodations, or PIPs.
Lead by example with your own boundaries and recovery plans.
Staying technical enough to lead
You’ll be asked to break ties without being the deepest expert.
What helps
Attend one design review per sprint—listen for assumptions, risks, and ownership.
Read ADRs and summarize back what you heard (1 paragraph).
Pair to learn, not to steer; make the power dynamics explicit.
Only code on non–critical path work if you must scratch the itch.
Managing in every direction
Peers need enablement, execs need clarity, your team needs air cover. Sometimes you’ll push uncomfortably hard upwards to get what the team needs—and that’s the job.
What helps
Communicate status in business terms (risk, impact, options), not just % complete.
Publish decision logs; reduce “he said / she said” with artifacts.
Pre-wire tough asks with context, not surprises.
Promotions, money, and mismatch
Promotions need both readiness and a business case. Sometimes the answer is “not now.”
What helps
Share the rubric and gaps with concrete examples; co-create a plan and timelines.
Normalize non-linear ladders; growth ≠ title every 18–24 months.
Keep your own feelings about comp out of their conversation.
Loneliness and where to put the feelings
You can’t vent down, and you can’t always vent sideways.
What helps
Build an external circle (coach, therapist, trusted peers outside your org).
Turn jealousy into asks: “I’d like to be considered for Tech POC next cycle.”
Practice emotional triage: name it, write it, choose whether it deserves action.
Try this
Impact ledger: 10 minutes every Friday to list decisions, escalations, hires unblocked, conflicts cooled.
Two-strike rule: address repeated behaviors on the second occurrence while they’re fresh.
Stakeholder one-pager: problem, constraints, options, recommendation—shared before the meeting.
Repair script: “I could have handled this better. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll ____.” (No excuses.)
What to listen to
🎧 Mel Robbins Podcast — How to stop caring what people think 🎧 The Ladybug Podcast — our past seasons
Listen to the full episode: The Hard Parts Of Engineering Management