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I was having a conversation with my husband (who is also in tech management) the other day about how a lot of managers have a tendency to jump into “fix-it” mode. A team member is struggling and we want to make things better. It feels like the natural move.
The problem with solving every problem your team encounters is you’re taking away the ability for them to learn how to solve those problems on their own, or at least with your light guidance. When you jump in too fast, you unintentionally train people to come to you before trying to think through the options themselves.
So I shifted to a straightforward question I now use constantly:
What would you like to do about it, and how can I best support you?
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Managers underestimate how quickly they train their team into dependency. Every time you rewrite their work, suggest the solution first, or jump in before they’ve had a chance to think, you take away an opportunity for them to build confidence and judgment. You also guarantee your calendar stays filled with problems your team could absolutely handle.
Empowerment isn’t theoretical. It’s the daily habit of giving ownership back to the person closest to the work.
Why this line works
Asking what they have in mind and how you can best support them shifts ownership by putting the decision back where it belongs. You aren’t expected to have all the answers. The best thing you can do is help guide someone to find the answer within themselves. In doing so, you also surface their thinking. Hearing how they frame the problem gives you a clearer sense of where to steer, and where to stay out of the way.
This approach builds confidence because they’re getting reps in making decisions instead of outsourcing them. And, importantly, it keeps you out of the weeds. You guide, but you don’t take the wheel.
How to use the line in real conversations
When someone brings you a problem, ask what options they’re considering before offering any of your own. If they’re stuck, ask what direction they’re leaning toward. If they propose a shaky solution, explore their reasoning instead of overriding it. And when the decision actually belongs to you, be explicit. Share how you’re thinking through it so they can learn the same approach next time.
You’ll find that the more you ask questions instead of giving answers right away, the easier it will become to identify opportunities to use this line. You adopt a strong coaching mindset, which makes you a better leader.
A real example that hit me last week
To preface this: I don’t usually talk about these sorts of topics just for fun. I swear my husband and I have normal, non-work conversations too. Anyway, as we were driving, my husband told me about something that happened at his job that immediately made this concept feel even more universal. One of his colleagues had been shouldering a huge amount of pressure—pulled in different directions, unsure of what decision was truly theirs to make, and feeling both blocked and pushed at the same time. They finally admitted how heavy it had become, saying it was affecting them emotionally and mentally.
It would have been easy for him to jump in with solutions or take the burden on himself. Instead, he asked them what they actually wanted. Then he said something simple but it was exactly what his colleague needed to hear: “Whatever you want to do to get out of this, I’m behind you. I’ll back you.” (If you pictured me literally cheering him on when telling me this, you know me all too well.)
That was the moment their entire posture changed. Not because someone swooped in to fix the problem, but because someone restored their agency and promised support instead of direction. It was relief, but also empowerment.
Towards the end of their conversation, the colleague told my husband that his approach to handling this (putting the power back in the colleague’s hands to make a decision) was the exact reminder he needed to know he could make a choice. He didn’t need permission. He just needed a little nudge and a reminder that he’s supported no matter what he chooses to do in this situation.
This is the heart of real leadership. You don’t reduce someone’s weight by carrying it for them. You reduce the weight by helping them see they’re capable of making the call, and by standing with them as they do.
Which is why the question matters so much:
What would you like to do about it, and how can I best support you?